Learning to Love Myself: The Effects of Childhood Dieting
Written by Movemeant’s Director of Partnerships, Katie Dalton
My mom put me on a diet when I was 5 years old. I remember the moment, standing on the upstairs deck at our community pool.
Me in a hot pink Big Bird one-piece, hair in two long pigtails, learning for the first time that just being me wasn’t good enough. That lesson takes a lifetime to unlearn. I’m still working on it.
Learning at a young age that you're not good enough just the way you are can be a tough pill to swallow. That's why the Movemeant Foundation is so important.
I try not to blame my mom; she’s the product of a culture that then and now overvalued what we look like, especially as women.
She passed along her internalized belief that my value to the world would in some huge way be defined by how I looked, how much I weighed, and how I dressed.
But I’m so sad for that little girl in her swimsuit.
I spent years as a painfully shy kid, scared to be seen or take up space or do anything other than blend in quietly, unnoticed.
I had inherited a belief that being myself might not be thin enough, pretty enough, cool enough, smart enough, fun enough, good enough. By high school I finally started to want more.
Looking back, the first step out of my shell was joining the dance team. I was still quiet, but the practice of learning a routine in advance alongside teammates, rehearsing until I felt comfortable, and then performing in front of my peers – while scary at first – helped me start to gain a little confidence. I could work hard, mess up, try again with a little more success, and still have a team of girls by my side.
But it’s a lifelong journey, and my sense of self worth still emphasized looks. Starting college I was so scared of gaining the “freshman 15” that I initially lost weight, then pendulum-swung the other way and graduated at my heaviest. By then I had gotten to know myself better, achieved academic success, bonded with a close circle of friends, and built more confidence than childhood … but I still believed my value was in large part defined by my weight.
I was determined to lose the “extra” pounds because I thought it would make my life better, so I moved into disordered eating and food deprivation.
I became scared of food. I skipped breakfast and allowed myself only a pre-portioned Lean Cuisine for lunch. If I went out for a drink after work I skipped dinner.
I lost the weight. My life wasn’t better. I learned the hard way, and still continue to remind myself, that feeling my best comes from being mentally strong and healthy, regardless of what I eat or look like.
These lessons are why Movemeant Foundation’s work resonates with me. I want the next generation of girls to grow up differently.
The confidence I started to build on the dance team now comes from a tough workout. Not because of the calories burned, but because I can try something hard, sometimes fail, sometimes succeed, and always feel better.
That practice resonates outside the gym too: over the years I’ve learned that taking a risk and trying a hard thing is the only way to make it seem less hard the next time.
This is what Movemeant Foundation’s programs are all about: giving girls a way to build a healthy mind-body connection and tap into the power of self belief.
I now know deep in my bones that 5-year-old me in that Big Bird swimsuit was worthy and perfectly good enough just as she was. I also believe that if she had different tools and support available through an organization like Movemeant Foundation, she might have known it, too.
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